Hello everyone, hopefully you came here hoping to learn about who runs this blog. But if you happened to just stumble onto this, I hope you stay! I’m James Carney, a 19-year-old guy living in Las Cruces, NM. I grew up in a generation that started getting the fancy gadgets at a very young age and it ended up sucking me in. So the internet is pretty much my second home. Online I’m a pretty outgoing person, but in person I’m very quiet. Even around my parents. It’s not that I’m shy it’s that I get caught up in my thoughts and I sorta lose touch with reality. So in order to hopefully fix this issue I’ve decided to post my thoughts onto the internet. I don’t expect this blog to become massive so literally every one of my followers is noticed. But I have so much to say and an unlimited amount of space so I guess we should start somewhere.
I was born in Whittier, California but I only lived there for a few months of my life. From there my family and I moved to Las Cruces, NM. In population we’re quite large, but it still only takes 15 minutes at the most to drive across town. I was raised by both my Mom and Dad who definitely emphasized street smarts. I wasn’t very sheltered from the truth which I’m truly thankful for. What I mean by that is if I was old enough to ask, then I was old enough to know the answer. Since I was raised like that I grew up respecting the police and the law. To the extent that when I was young I wanted to be a cop and even to this day it’s still in my head as something I’d like to do.
In elementary school I had a small group of friends, we did everything together and really didn’t let anyone else come around. For those first 4 years I didn’t do great in school but in 5th grade I had a teacher who challenged me and I ended up on an honor roll. Unfortunately that feeling of success and excitement didn’t stick with me. I hit middle school and began to rebel, against what? I have no clue. I grew my hair out, changed my style, started smoking, and became oblivious to authority (Only staff at the school). I failed each year but the school continued to push me along which led to the mentality of “I don’t have to do anything and I’ll still pass”. But after a while I started getting flagged by the school and was searched and harassed almost on a daily basis. Which led to major depression, anxiety, anger, and I finally broke and started cutting myself. I’m sure everyone who reads that can see a major issue. I only cut myself for a few months and had finally quit about 2-3 weeks before I got caught by the school. I was sent for a mental evaluation and they decided I was stable enough to go home as long as I went to counseling. That only lasted about two weeks though and I decided that I could cope on my own.
Once I hit high school I became a bit more aware of my surroundings and began thinking for myself. I had very few friends in the time I was there and I avoided the rest like the plague. I continued to do nothing constructive with my time in school and was finally held back. But at that point that mentality was stuck in my head. With that said, I had issues with the staff, and to be 100% honest it wasn’t always about my work. I had long hair, wore all black, wore a hoodie, and did break dress code quite often. But the issue was never about the dress code, I was labeled a threat the entire time I was there. I was constantly being questioned and followed because I needed to be monitored. Apparently being different is still frowned upon. But I think you get the idea. So with being held back and being harassed by the staff I made the decision to drop out of school. It was honestly the biggest mistake I could make. I was more than capable of doing the work and passing but I just chose not to.
Luckily being a high school drop out isn’t as bad as it used to be. I can still get my GED and go to college and have a normal life. Once I obtain my GED I’ll even get a high school diploma, which is nice. But in the first couple years I had no drive, I battled with myself and began to feel like a complete failure. I sat at home and had absolutely no desire to do anything. I felt like I had essentially ended my life and it wasn’t the greatest place to be. After a few years I went down to the college to begin the process of getting my GED. I tested quite well on placement and was only slightly behind on math. After a while I began to have problems with the school. My hours and progress were not being logged and I ended up getting a threat that I would be dropped from the program because of it. I won’t say it’s entirely their fault but somewhere between me and them there was a MAJOR miscommunication and I got frustrated and stopped going. I decided to start studying on my own, in private, and at a pace that wouldn’t just stress me out to a breaking point. However I’m happy to say that I’ve been working on getting back into the program so I can get my GED and be done with it.
Now that you’re pretty much caught up on the basic structure of my life I can start going in on the smaller aspects.
At a very young age I always found myself fascinated with boys. I didn’t know what the feelings were so I just continued on with my life. But around 7th grade I started realizing that I wasn’t straight. I probably would have figured it all out sooner but I honestly didn’t know there was anything else. But anyways, I started dating guys and I came out to everyone as Bi. I dated quite a few girls along the way but it wasn’t due to me being interested. I dated girls because I didn’t want to deal with being Gay. I struggled for a few years and kept it a secret but the older I got the more frustrating it became. I finally came to terms with myself freshman year and started telling people who asked that I was in fact Gay. But it took a bit longer before anyone in my family found out. My sister was the first I told and just knowing that one person in my family supported me made me feel comfortable. After that I told my brother but I have a feeling he already knew so he didn’t really care or have any reaction what so ever. But my dad found out because over dinner he just asked me if I was still Bi or what. So since I felt on the spot I just came out. His reply was “Oh okay. I thought so but just wanted to make sure.” and then he took another bite of his food and continued talking. But other than that I haven’t really had to “come out” to anyone. Everyone has just asked or someone just told them. But now I identify as Gay and I’ll tell anyone who asks. I still struggle from time to time just out of fear of the unknown or whatever but I’m much happier knowing I can be myself and knowing I have that support.
But now that my sexuality is out-of-the-way I can tell you that I don’t fall into the “gay” stereotype at all. I wear all black and a jacket year round. I have long hair that is just excessive and somewhat annoying. I don’t act feminine but I don’t act masculine and most people who meet me don’t know my sexuality until it comes up in a conversation later on. Now to get the “Why the hell do you wear all black and a jacket year round?!” question out-of-the-way. I find it as a way to express myself. Not as a dark person who’s hateful and angry. But to get a reaction out of people, to see who doesn’t stereotype me and is willing to just walk up and start a conversation. In a sense I want to be my own work of art. I want to prove people wrong and I’ll do it any way I can. Yes, theres days that I’m burning up and I could cool down quickly if I take my jacket off. But after a while your body adjusts to it. But to add to the explanation as to why I wear the coat year round. I’m very self-conscious about my body. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m extremely skinny and personally I don’t like it. Unfortunately it’s extremely hard for me to gain weight and anytime I do I end up losing it in a week. (That goes for body fat and muscle). So in order to keep myself from freaking out because I think someones judging me on my body I wear a jacket.
Now that I’m about 1600 words into this intro I feel I can get a bit more personal. Aside from being extremely self-conscious of my body I also have pretty bad problems with depression, anger, and anxiety. But to clear something up. I don’t harm myself, I don’t harm anyone or anything, and I don’t abuse substances. Literally the only thing I do is smoke cigarettes, and even that I’m not proud of. But anyways, I don’t go to counseling or therapy or anything like that because I have myself convinced that I can handle my problems. But my way of handling my problems is to bottle them up and hold it in. I don’t allow myself to cry, not even for 5 seconds, not because I’m afraid to or because I don’t want to look weak. But because it’s become a habit to repress things. Most days I’m pretty happy and calm but I have times where I become very manic. I can be laughing one second and in a very dark place the next. I can snap at you for the smallest things. Now I don’t ever have a solid reason to be depressed or angry. I just have so much built up that tiny things can send me over the edge. Not only that but even on my good days I get anxiety attacks. Most of the time I can control them, at least to the point that people don’t notice but no matter what, I know it’s happening. I’ve been lectured numerous times about how I cope and how bad it is, but so far it hasn’t killed me. Honestly, I feel pretty stable for someone who holds so much in.
Well I’m going to go ahead and end this here, it’s pretty late and I’m starting to lose focus. I’m sure I’ll add and update things from time to time but yeah. This is only a fraction of who I am. If you have any questions or anything like that just contact me. I’ll answer them honestly.